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funny minion jokes.
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.― BOB MONKHOUSE
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.― ELAYNE BOOSLER
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.― OSCAR WILDE
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.― MARK RUSSELL
Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.― ROBERT BLOCH
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.― STEVE MARTIN
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.― LANA TURNER
When I'm Feeling Down and Someone Says "suck It Up" I Get the Urge to Break Their Legs and Say "walk It Off"
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How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell “BINGO!”― ANONYMOUS
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.― DAVE BARRY
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Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.― ANONYMOUS
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.― MILES KINGTON
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Why do people say “no offense” right before they’re about to offend you?― ANONYMOUS
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.― DOUGLAS ADAMS
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.― SOCRATES
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.― EMO PHILIPS
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The best way to lie is to tell the truth . . . carefully edited truth.― ANONYMOUS
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.― GREG KING
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The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.― AL MCGUIRE
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.― BILLY SUNDAY
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Men have only two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.― ANONYMOUS
A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.― FRANKLIN JONES
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If at first you don’t succeed . . . so much for skydiving.― HENNY YOUNGMAN
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.― DAVE BARRY
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If you steal from one author, it’s plagiarism; if you steal from many, it’s research.― WILSON MIZNER
If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.― FLIP WILSON
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?― ANONYMOUS
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.― JACK NICHOLSON
God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.― ETHEL MUMFORD
A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”― CLAUDE PEPPER
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.― OSCAR WILDE
Patience is something you admire in the driver behind you, but not in one ahead.― BILL MCGLASHEN
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.― STEVEN WRIGHT
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.― ANONYMOUS
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Here is a list of the top 10 Funny Quotes:
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.― Elbert Hubbard
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.― Reba McEntire
No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar.― Abraham Lincoln
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.― Winston Churchill
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.― Jim Carrey
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.― Margaret Mead
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.― Henny Youngman
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.― Chris Rock
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.― Isaac Asimov
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.― Steve Martin
Funny Minion Quootes
Never give up on the things that make you smile.
WHEN PEOPLE ASK A DUMB QUESTION, I FEEL LIKE IT'S MY DUTY TO GIVE A SARCASTIC ANSWER.
I LIKE MY BED MORE THAN I LIKE MOST PEOPLE.
I got a new stick DEDORANT TODAY. THE INSTRUCTIONS SAID: REMOVE CAP AND PUSH UP BOTTOM. I CAN BARELY WALK BUT, WHENEVER i fart the room SMELLS LOVELY.
LIVE, LAUGH AND LOVE.. IF THAT DOESN'T work LOAD, AIM AND FIRE.
IT'S OK TO NOT BE OK. SOME DAYS ARE JUST HARDER THAN OTHERS.
Best feeling ever When you check your alarm clock and you have 3 hours left to sleep.
an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.
"ARE YOU AS BORED AS I AM?" READ THAT BACKWARDS, AND IT STILL MAKES SENSE !
I THINK Something's MISSING IN MY Life.. Liked.. 2-3 Million dollars.
IF YOU'RE WRONG AND YOU SHUT UP. YOU'RE WISE" IF YOU'RE RIGHT AND YOU SHUT UP. YOU'RE MARRlED..
my bed is a magical place Where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.
I'M NOT A SMARTASS... I AM A SKILLED, TRAINED , PROFESSIONAL IN POINTING OUT THE OBVIOUS AND i SPEAK FLUENT SARCASM.
“I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with ’em later.”― Mitch Hedberg
“Gentlemen, you can’t fight in here. This is the war room.”― President Merkin Muffley (Peter Sellers), Dr. Strangelove
“My mother always used to say: The older you get, the better you get, unless you’re a banana.”― Rose (Betty White), The Golden Girls
“Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season. That’s for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve.”― David Letterman
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”― Jack Handey
Bob: “Looks like you’ve been missing a lot of work lately.”
Peter: “I wouldn’t say I’ve been missing it, Bob.”― Bob (Paul Wilson) and Peter (Ron Livingston), Office Space
“Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.”― Mark Twain
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”― Will Ferrell
“I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”― Rita Rudner
“Ned, I would love to stand here and talk with you—but I’m not going to.”― Phil Connors (Bill Murray), Groundhog Day
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”― Erma Bombeck
“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”― Phyllis Diller
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”― Ellen DeGeneres
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’”― Anonymous
“Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push; you got to rock it back and forth a few times, and then it goes over.”― Jerry (Jerry Seinfeld), Seinfeld
“I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.”― Michael Scott (Steve Carrell), The Office
“I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.”― Anonymous
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”― Rodney Dangerfield
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.”― Les Dawson
“There’s nothing wrong with you that an expensive operation can’t prolong.”― Surgeon (Graham Chapman), Monty Python’s Flying Circus
“Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring: ‘How to Build a Boat.’”― Steven Wright
“There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.”― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?
“You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”― Joan Rivers
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”― Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), Naked Gun 2½: The Smell of Fear
“My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.”― Bobby Boucher (Adam Sandler), The Waterboy
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.”― Jimmy Kimmel
“Marriage is like an unfunny, tense version of Everybody Loves Raymond, but it doesn’t last 22 minutes. It lasts forever.”― Pete (Paul Rudd), Knocked Up
“Being a mom means never buying the right amount of produce. Either everyone suddenly loves grapes and a week’s worth are eaten in one afternoon, or fruit flies are congregating around my rotting bananas.”― Lessons from the Minivan
“I’m not insane. My mother had me tested.”― Sheldon Cooper (Jim Parsons), The Big Bang Theory
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“There are only three ages for women in Hollywood: babe, district attorney and Driving Miss Daisy.”― Elise (Goldie Hawn), The First Wives Club
Stan Fields: “Describe your perfect date.”
Cheryl: “That’s a tough one. I’d have to say April 25. Because it’s not too hot and not too cold. All you need is a light jacket.”― Stan Fields (William Shatner) and Cheryl Frasier (Heather Burns), Miss Congeniality
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”― Jerry Seinfeld
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“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”― Anonymous
“If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn’t be more surprised.”― Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
“There’s nothing simpler than avoiding people you don’t like. Avoiding one’s friends, that’s the real test.”― Dowager Countess Violet Crawley (Maggie Smith), Downton Abbey
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“If I’m not back in five minutes, just wait longer.”― Ace Ventura (Jim Carrey), Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Knock Knock Jokes
“The only thing that separates us from the animals is our ability to accessorize.”― Clairee Belcher (Olivia Dukakis), Steel Magnolias
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“I’m at a place in my life when errands are starting to count as going out.”― Anonymous
“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”― Graham Norton
“I’m not good at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”― Chandler (Matthew Perry), Friends
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“Here’s all you have to know about men and women: Women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”― George Carlin
funny about love quotes
quotes funny about love
funny quotes on good morning
good weekend quotes
“When I’m in social situations, I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure and I don’t have to shake hands.”― Larry (Larry David), Curb Your Enthusiasm
“As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.”― Sir Norman Wisdom
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| funny uninspirational quotes |
“That’s why New York is so great, though. Everyone you care about can despise you and you can still find a bagel so good, nothing else matters. Who needs love when you’ve got lox? They both stink, but only one tastes good.”― Midge Maisel (Rachel Brosnahan), The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel
“Here’s some advice: At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent. Unless the job is a statistician.”― Adam Gropman
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