Humorous Quotations, Short Humorous Quotations Status

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Humorous Quotations

All rights reserved — even the right to dramatise. ~Mary Wilson Little, Reveries of a Paragrapher, 1897 It takes so little to make a stranger's day, and even less to totally ruin it. ~Demetri Martin A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. ~Fred Allen Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them. ~H.L. Mencken A compromise is an agreement whereby both parties get what neither of them wanted. ~Author Unknown Someone has said: "A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking." ~Martin H. Fischer (1879–1962), quoted from a physiology lecture by his University of Cincinnati student Howard D. Fabing in Fischerisms, 1930 A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't. ~Author Unknown If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. ~John Kenneth Galbraith, Money: Whence It Came, Where It Went Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia. ~Charles Schulz All generalizations are bad. ~R.H. Grenier All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. ~Jane Wagner, The Search For Intelligent Life In The Universe, performed by Lily Tomlin The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away. ~Tom Waits, Small Change Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. ~Attributed to both Jason Hutchison and John Benfield After all, what is your host's purpose in having a party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. ~P.J. O'Rourke How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? ~Nigel Rees If you teach your children nothing else, teach them the Golden Rule and "righty-tighty, lefty-loosey." ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three. ~Elayne Boosler Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. ~George Ade An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault. ~William Castle If The Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me. ~Song title by Jimmy Buffet Man was predestined to have free will. ~Hal Lee Luyah Maybe this world is another planet's hell. ~Aldous Huxley Murphy was an optimist. ~O'Toole's Commentary First rule of Nietzsche Club: No Kants. ~@NeinQuarterly (Nein. Eric Jarosinski, editor), 2014 January 16th tweet The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. ~Nicholas Chamfort The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good. ~Robert Graves The ships hung in the sky in much the same way that bricks don't. ~Douglas Adams The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin and Hobbes Today is the last day of some of your life. ~Author Unknown Without geography, you're nowhere. ~Author Unknown It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. ~Author Unknown You can't have everything... where would you put it? ~Steven Wright He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed. ~Harry Kalas, on Garry Maddox, 1981 He who believes that the past cannot be changed has not yet written his memoirs. ~Torvald Gahlin I plan on living forever. So far, so good. ~Author Unknown Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. ~Author Unknown Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. ~P.D. East As to the Seven Deadly Sins, I deplore Pride, Wrath, Lust, Envy and Greed. Gluttony and Sloth I pretty much plan my day around. ~Robert Brault, rbrault.blogspot.com I usually lump organized religion, organized labor, and organized crime together. The Mafia gets points for having the best restaurants. ~David J. Beard (1947–2016), tweet, 2008 September 18th There's no such thing as fun for the whole family. ~Jerry Seinfeld The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind — a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house. ~Woody Allen My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes. ~Douglas Adams And on the eighth day God said, "Okay, Murphy, you're in charge!" ~Author Unknown When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football. ~Author Unknown The chicken came first — God would look silly sitting on an egg. ~Author Unknown The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. ~Author Unknown I just hate it when Buddhists get all emptier-than-thou. ~John Fugelsang A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. ~Author Unknown Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself. ~Rita Mae Brown As I may or may not say to the Lord on Judgment Day, "You ask a lot of questions for someone who has so much explaining to do." ~Robert Brault, Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. ~Carl Zwanzig A signature always reveals a man's character — and sometimes even his name. ~Evan Esar There are truths of which I have an inkling, but of most I have only a penciling. ~Robert Brault Did you ever have the measles, and if so, how many? ~Artemus Ward Resolve is never stronger than in the morning after the night it was never weaker. ~From the movie Naked Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you. ~Colin Sautar Who says nothing is impossible. I've been doing nothing for years. ~Author Unknown You know why the French don't want to bomb Saddam Hussein? Because he hates America, he loves mistresses, and he wears a beret. He is French, people. ~Conan O'Brien, 2003 A wise saying is something you keep picking up off the floor in front of your fridge. ~Robert Brault I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. ~Author Unknown She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. ~Mae West If you cannot answer a man's argument, all it not lost; you can still call him vile names. ~Elbert Hubbard If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? ~Author Unknown She was what we used to call a suicide blond — dyed by her own hand. ~Saul Bellow There are secrets I will take to the grave — and others I'd feel safer having cremated. ~Robert Brault