Funny jokes | Partying bad behavior jokes

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"HEY, NICE TIE!"

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink.
Suddenly he hears someone say, "Hey, nice tie!" The man looks up to try to find out who said it, but no one was around.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up again, but there's nobody there.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
The bartender replies, "It's not me; it's the complimentary peanuts."

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bad-behavior-jokes
bad behavior jokes



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TIFF WITH RILEY

''My God! What happened to you?'' the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast.
''I got in a tiff with Riley.''
''Riley? He's just a wee fellow,'' the barkeep said, surprised. ''He must have had something in his hand.''
''That he did,'' Kelly said. ''A shovel it was.''
''Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?''
''Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's left boob.'' Kelly said. ''And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.''

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STEVE MCGREW: DRINKING TIP FOR THE LADIES

Here's a little drinking tip for you ladies: if you're gonna drink, drink Jack Daniels. Ladies, you spend far too much money on cosmetics. For $12 bucks, you can have a man with a bottle of Jack going, 'God, you're beautiful.'


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GEORGE MILLER: TIRED MOM

All my life, my mom has been tired. How come mothers are so tired? She's bone tired. She's dog tired. She's overly tired. I keep telling her, 'Mom, you need some crack.'


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EVAN DAVIS: BUREAU OF ALCOHOL, TOBACCO AND FIREARMS

We have a Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. Why'd we put them together? I called them up. 'Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.' I said, 'Yeah, what bourbon goes with an M-16?'


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JUDY TOLL: THERAPY BREAKTHROUGH

I had a huge breakthrough today. In therapy, I finally got to the root of my problem. Apparently, I think I'm a piece of sh*t that the world revolves around.


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Funny jokes Partying 

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TOM SHARPE: PRETTY COOL JACKET

You know what's pretty cool? When you put on a jacket that you haven't worn in a long time, and you find a $20 bill in the pocket that you didn't know was gonna be there; then, you buy yourself some weed to celebrate. That happened to me tonight when I borrowed my friend's jacket.

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TOM MCCAFFREY: SEX GAMES

I just broke up with this girl, and she was really into sex games. Like, there was this one she used to like to play all the time -- it was called 'Sleep With My Friend Rob.'

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TONY CAMIN: ENDING A SUCKY STORY

You ever been telling a story in front of a group of people, and you realize right at the end of the story, it's a really sucky story? So to make it better, you lie at the end, you know? Spice it up a little bit: 'Yeah, so we're waiting there, and Alex shows up 45 minutes late, and he doesn't have the keys -- and then his head blew up.'

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TONY CAMIN: KINDERGARTEN RULES

I got hit with a ruler first day of kindergarten -- for smoking pot. Because if you bring it, you need to bring enough for everybody.


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MARK BRAZILL: AAA TOO EXPENSIVE

I called AAA, and it's, like, a hundred bucks a year. I said, 'Forget that.' I just joined AA -- that way if my car breaks down, I just call up a friend. 'Aw man, my car broke down. I think I'm going to have a drink.' 'No, don't. I'll come and get you.'


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DWAYNE KENNEDY: BIBLE TOPICS

Two things they talk about in the Bible a lot is wine and sh*t that's hard to believe. I think the wine came first.

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GUY TORRY: REAL SURVIVOR SHOW

You want a real survivor show -- put Robert Downey Jr., Michael Irvin and Darryl Strawberry in a crack house with one rock.

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SEAN MOREY: ST. PATRICK'S DAY TRADITION

Come from an Irish family. St. Patrick's Day was our big holiday. The night before, we'd hang up our stockings. In the morning, they'd be full of beer.


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JONATHAN CORBETT: TRYING TO QUIT DRINKING

My family actually had an intervention. They were like, 'Hey, listen, we're Irish Catholic. What's this quitting sh*t? You're breaking your father's heart. Your sister's getting married in two weeks. There's an open bar. Cut the sh*t.'

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PAT DIXON: TRYING POT

I smoked pot as a teenager, me and some friends of mine. We used to try pot every day before school. After school, we'd try it again. You know how kids are -- I tried things every day for a couple of years.


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JEFF JOSEPH: JEFFREY DAHMER TRIAL

Jeffrey Dahmer was declared legally sane. I guess he's just got an eating disorder. He doesn't need prison time; he just needs Jenny Craig.


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STEVE TRILLING: SERIOUS DRIVING ACCIDENT

I was recently involved in kind of a serious driving accident, which you may have suspected. It was not completely my fault because the other guy involved was really drunk. But he was at a slight disadvantage because he didn't have his car with him at the time.

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TROUBLE

A man walks into a bar. Bartender asks what'll have.
Man replies "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Bartender shakes his head and gives him his drinks.
All night, each time the bartender asks for his order the man says "A Beer and a shot of whiskey before the trouble starts".
Finally the bartender asks the man what trouble he's talking about.
The man says "Give me a beer and I might just tell you".
The bartender replies, "Sorry, you've had your limit for the night".
The man says "Ohh, now the trouble starts"..

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CHRIS HOBBS: GETTING IN TROUBLE

I'm always afraid I'm going to get in trouble. I've been like that forever. I remember being 16, trying to get into an R-rated movie. My heart would just be freaking out. Then, I turned 20, and I was trying to buy beer. It was like the same thing. What's gonna happen when I'm only 54, and I'm at the IHOP, and I'm trying to get that senior citizen's discount?

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SAINT PATRICK'S DAY TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to satisfy and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks hideous.
FAULT: Either you haven't had enough to drink, or they've flipped on the lights for last call.

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MARC PRICE: TURNING 21

Remember turning 21? It all happens all at once -- boom -- legal to drink beer, illegal to sleep with 16-year-old girls. Really threw me, actually. It's not fair. They give you something good, and then they take something better away.

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